I went to my uni to take a departmental exam for neuroanatomy and I did not feel confident about it whatsoever. Completely bombed my prelims for that course too. Ahhh I don’t care (I do, a lot). I kind of neglected every aspect of my life just because I got my heart broken. I know how much potential I have if I just get my priorities straight and commit to creating a healthy academics-centered lifestyle. No more doom scrolling, no more bed rotting.. just no more associating with unhealthy ‘online’ terms. I know I can be more I just find it so hard to push myself out of my emotions because it feels safe. I’ve been consumed by it before and I’m starting to feel it again. I’m settling for things mediocre borderlining a joke honestly, just because I can pull the ‘I’m depressed again’ card. It just makes me feel pathetic seeing myself slowly fall back into what trapped me before and made my life so stagnant. I want to be more. The first step is always to forgive myself and that’s what I did today by giving myself a sweet treat from Starbucks. I went there with a friend, nowadays I’ve been taking every chance I get at putting myself out there more socially. I got an iced vanilla cold foam coffee jelly (drained!) black tea with one pump of white mocha. I’m in a group of five but this was the third time me and this friend went to this tower to eat together and have conversations. We ended up talking about our family situation, our parents, and how it all just reflected in the way we deal with love. We did find a common ground, fathers and abandonment— the classic. But the way we internalized it when it came to love was different. My friend has never been in a relationship, her situation with her dad made her keep her heart guarded, too guarded. She’s the type of girl that runs away from love while on the other hand, I’m the type to run straight at it. I immediately stress the importance of any boy that comes into my life, I immediately latch onto them come as they are. I know that I can learn how to take an interest in any boy, that’s how desperate I am to feel the love I needed to get from my dad. Then my friend asked me, “How do you know it’s love?” my mind went to the boy I mentioned in my previous entry, this boy I met last June 2024. I told her that I knew when my desire to be loved by him turned changed to being able to love him. I told her everything that I felt for him. I told her how there was a time when I felt that even if he completely forgot about me the next day, I’d still love him. I felt that the fact he’s his own person and that he exists were enough reasons to love him. The more I talked about him the more I felt my heart aching and god I almost cried right then and there. I know that I was the one who let go and forced him to move on. I know that I was the one who jumped back into the dating scene right away. And I know that I hurt him the most. But I never stopped loving him. I just.. needed more. Now I’m back, stuck in my old ways of making do with whoever comes my way and being sad when I realize they aren’t the one for me. I can’t believe I’m sad over a boy right now it’s so tiring. I wanna take a little step back and put love on pause right now. It isn’t easy because I literally can’t function without someone loving me but we’ll see, let’s try. I might have to buy myself sweet treats for the next few weeks to soften the blow but that’s okay. It’s a learning process. I really want to be an academic weapon again, not a my-dad-never-gave-me-the-love-i-needed-so-i-look-for-it-anywhere-in-anyone-all-the-time girl. But like.. I really did love him, I’m talking about THE boy.. let’s call him n. I might write another entry about him one of these days, who knows. I probably will, it still isn’t over for me