For six months I bore myself publicly through long tweets and shameless reposts. It sickens me seeing my inner turmoils under anyone’s finger but it was the only time I felt seen. I hate being vulnerable because I’m so used to getting that panicked looked from my friends, used to my romantic partners shutting down, and used to getting an “I don’t know what to say” from everyone. I feel like my feelings are too much for everyone.. like I’m just heavy weight, nothing else. So, I figured I’d just scream it into the void and it did work for a good while. I had an outlet, like a bottomless well I threw it all down and never bothered to wait for any sort of sound. But god I wanted a reply every time I spoke although not directly to anyone. I hate to admit it but a huge part of me wished someone would see the posts I purposely made public and would just decide for themselves that I’m worth saving and being taken care of. I want someone to be willing to do that for me. I want a confidant I can allow myself to depend on. I want at least one person just one person to understand me. I’m so tired of carrying my feelings by myself all the time. I just want one person. My feelings always don’t feel like they’re meant for one person so why am I always alone? I’m so spent. But.. it’s always been that way and I just.. I don’t know. Posting publicly on my socials just made me feel even worse, even more lonely now. I wish someone came forward and offered comfort and understanding to me then. I wanted that so much, more than anything. Now I just find it hopeless. So I’ve decided to abandon my socials and switch over to this, my website. I thought that I could last without talking about my feelings but I just can’t do it. So I came back to this journal tab. I might be active again.. and I’ve deleted my past entries. Does a part of me hope someone will see this? Yes